In a few days I'll hit 1 November, the third anniversary of when my former spouse and I separated. To help me focus on the glass half full, in my calendar I've marked it as "Autonomy Reclamation Day," which signifies me taking back (at great cost and effort) my sexual and dating autonomy from the person and institution, marriage, that I'd transferred it to.
As I make clear in my dating profiles, I don't plan to alienate that agency anytime soon: i.e. I don't intend to make dating or sex exclusivity agreements with anyone. Many of the reasons are illustrated humorously in Ali Wong's latest, Single Lady:
"I'd been married for 10 years, so I had that, like, 'just got out of prison' energy, you know?"
She does a great job of capturing "dating post divorcing at 40" dynamics. I'll comment on a few.
[audience laughing] It’s so good. Because they’re not just sticking their dick inside of your pussy… Mm-mm. …they’re filling the hole in your heart… [audience laughing] …that you didn’t know was there in the first place. Now, I have fallen in love once since my divorce, and that hole got filled. It did. But it made me curious about how many other holes are in my heart. [audience laughing] And if my heart is like Swiss cheese, where there’s different holes of varying diameters that require bespoke dicks to fill them.
Good old-fashioned poly heart here: maybe there's not just one empty space per heart for everyone, hmm?
I did fall in love once since my divorce. I fell in love very hard with this Japanese-American dude... and then all of a sudden, one day, he broke up with me. And, uh… I was devastated.
And I gotta tell you that even though that dude really broke my heart, not for one second did I ever regret getting divorced. I mean it. Because, you know, that drummer dude, he came along, and he filled this hole in my heart, but then he left me, and then that hole was empty again. But at least I was single and free to go on another adventure to fill it. Right? [audience cheering] Yeah. And that freedom, it feels so good.
I've spoken at length about that freedom, and how good it feels to me (see The Sunshine Dividend). Having the freedom to date someone new, or additional, when a given relationship isn't fitting or fits well but yet doesn't complete one's heart, is a distinct difference from the married monogamy I persisted in. Folks in marriages also often put up with far too much mistreatment from their spouse; they also abstain from nurturing romantic and sexual relationships with others that could bring more support and love into their lives and those of their other partners.
And I know, also, that, you know, divorce gets a really bad reputation and it can sound really scary and full of acrimony, but then just look at me as an alternate example of how it can be.
And if you can take away anything from what you’ve heard tonight, look how much fun I’m having. [audience laughing] It’s crazy. Like, I never thought I would have this much fun, this kind of fun, at this stage in my life. I swear to God, divorce is so fun… [audience laughing softly] …that I almost wanna get married again… [audience laughing] …just so I can get divorced again. And if you would like to join the hotation, please feel free to DM me. [laughing]
The audience was laughing, but hotations are fun for many. I've fucking loved that aspect of the last three years, personally: I've had dozens of sexual partners, many girlfriends and hundreds of dates in that time. At first I felt ashamed of being so enthusiastic about and active in dating: fortunately I had a relationship coach and a therapist who helped me be more self-accepting in that regard.
One thing I can say with certainty: those three years have been such a better fit for me than the three years of monogamy that preceded it, when I was in the closet and had just one partner and the sexual frequency and variety that usually goes along with a monogamous hetero relationship of that duration. As good as that relationship was, monogamy just doesn't fit my polyamorous heart. Dating non-monogamously is so exciting and liberating and invigorating and recreational for me: it feels like a new lease on life, and that feeling has endured for three years now. Ali uses the word "fun" often, and I think that's consistent with my experience, and fairly unique (it's not often folks find wellsprings of fun in their forties!). Here's to the next year of fun and dating freedom!
