Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Mormon Cultural Expectations

Below I paste a facebook conversation I recently had.  Included is a list of Mormon cultural expectations/ideas I identified.  I'll admit my list is rough and not all the expectations/ideas I posit are strongly evidenced trends- it was more of a starting point/gist/constellation of items that helped convey my response to Nicole.


Brad Carmack I've decided that I choose to be a doctrinal disciple and Latter-day Saint. I also choose to be free of cultural Mormon expectations except those norms that are ethical or bring net benefit to me or my family. I don't feel obligated to comply with the cultural expectations of Mormonism as I do the gospel-derived expectations.

Sunday at 11:07  ·  · 
Curtis Galke
Curtis Galke 
There are Mormon cultural expectations? :)
Sunday at 11:09 ·  · 
Brad Carmack
Brad Carmack 
‎:) I know, right? Btw, we'll have to chat more soon- I passed the FSOT and submitted my personal narratives a couple weeks ago. The next phase is the oral examination. My mom's worried about me going down the foreign service route- I think I'll need a couple testimonials to assuage her (and me, for that matter ;)
Sunday at 11:36 ·  · 
Daniel Farrell
Daniel Farrell 
Hey Brad, you're great--I think a trick with this sometimes (for me) is to not let my self-talk drift towards "I'm not one of these people--I'm an outsider," when moments come up where I culturally (not doctrinally) feel like I'm going against the flow.
Sunday at 13:35 ·  · 
Brian Egger
Brian Egger 
Good for you Brad. Follow your heart. I need to hear more about the FSOT. That is exciting. You will be perfect.
Sunday at 13:36 ·  · 
Nathaniel Gustafson
Nathaniel Gustafson 
I approve whole-heartedly. It's good to know where your motives lie and where your foundation is.
Yesterday at 00:02 ·  · 
Nicole Marie Myer
Nicole Marie Myer 
So what cultural obligations do you feel expected to comply with? Just wondering...
23 hours ago ·  · 
Kamron Eck
Kamron Eck 
Are you referring to green Jell-O with things like corn, cheese, or shredded carrots in it?!
6 hours ago ·  · 
Brad Carmack
Brad Carmack 
‎@ Kamron :) Yep, I'm scrapping the Jello with shredded carrots for bacon at my reception. I mean, who doesn't like bacon? You're invited, btw- and I hope that day is sooner than later.
@ Nicole - I provide examples of not-necessarily-doctrinally-derived cultural expectations/ideas: 
1- shaking hands with folks at church
2- starting FHE when enough people arrive to make a critical mass, rather than on time
3- backing off from thinking deeply or talking about certain subjects, such as the implications of church policy, because "it's not important to your salvation"
4- having the woman in charge of cooking and cleaning at home
5- proposing early on, getting hitched young, and having lots of kids
6- anything to do with sex is a huge taboo before marriage, then you're supposed to suddenly embrace and epitomize all things sexual for your spouse the next day
7- helping move-ins move in 
8- hometeaching at the end of the month
9- homophobing
10- not calling on individuals to participate in Sunday School when teaching
11- send your kids to EFY and BYU- and when you're at BYU you'd better excel in everything because after all you're the light of the world and the salt of the earth, so mediocrity evidences failure, and you'd better be smart and good-looking and fit too for the same reason
12- getting your Eagle Scout award
13- giving the girls flowers on Mothers' Day
14- despising evolutionary theory
15- presuming that homosexually oriented people choose to be homosexually oriented
16 - presuming what is natural is good, and that playing God is bad
17- women should be more demure and men more assertive
18- there's little need to do hard thinking about tough issues (such as advances in reproductive technologies) because the prophet will reveal everything that's important for you to know
19- conservative institutions and "the way things have always been" are better than new-fangled ideas and practices from the world
20- politicians are all corrupt and the Constitution is abused and ignored
21- the Catholic church is the great and abominable church
22- playing video games is the main evil in the lives of single young adult men
23- in Elders' Quorum you should always forget your manual and never prep for the lesson; in Relief Society you should always cry a lot and go overtime
24- whenever you give a talk and you mention a line from a talk but don't go into it in depth, you should encourage the congregation to read it in their personal study, though you don't expect them to do so
25- you're supposed to care about where your mission call is before you open it and buy into concepts such as "stateside" and "foreign speaking" as if those categories are somehow very important
26- you've got to give your kids piano lessons
27 - because the prophet was behind Prop 8, the groups that oppose are villains who unfairly targeted the church, and any means (including a paper-thinly supported, largely emotional appeal to parental control over education)
used to pass the proposition is approved by God
28- we're each supposed to check authenticity at the door by donning a carefully managed "i'm doing great and have no major flaws and am into this" persona/mask at church, despite the fact that most of us are repeat sinners, often depressed/lonely/hurting, and not infrequently bored or apathetic.
29- if someone's unhappy it's because they're not keeping some commandment
30- when a leader, you never chew out home or visiting teachers when they break their commitments (don't report, or don't complete their visits, or keep their word to you)
31- presuming in every case that it was God's will that a person died when s/he did, even when, say, some killer guns down your innocent friend
32- personhood begins at syngamy
33- your conscience = the Spirit
34- anything you can't explain must be attributed to God
35- you should propose with a ring
36- you should go on dates, rather than letting your parents arrange your marriage
37- facial hair: del diablo
38- after the prayer you're supposed to stay in your seat for a while before jettisoning
39- you celebrate Christmas with cards and gifts 
40- women should be more nurturing than men
41- when you home teach ask if there's anything you can do for the teachee at the end of the visit 
42- the length and content of public prayers

I hope you can see that I could go on. As I implied above, not all these cultural expectations are egregious. For instance, moving in move-ins is a great gesture and I would say is not only ethically permissible but advisable because of the net benefit of its consequence bundle. But it is a practice, not a principle. Both families and individuals are free to select from programs, practices, and ideas that aren't mandated/commanded. For a more thoughtful approach on many of these subjects, see generally my blog. bradcarmack.blogspot.com
Subsequent thoughts:
-Taken together, the corpus of mormon cultural expectations constitutes a heavy burden of expectations for families and individuals.  To discriminate between cultural vs. doctrinal expectations is a difficult task; simply bearing the burden is also difficult and frequently disappointing.  Thus, any Mormon who isn't fortunate enough to be either oblivious or exceptionally talented has their work cut out.

Subsequent discussion:


Alicia Yost
So let me see if I understand: You are going to allow your parents arrange your marriage?
Just kidding.
Alicia Yost
Wednesday at 00:43


Maren Larsen MacMichael
‎#6 on your list is one that has personally bothered me. As far as move-ins......having just moved, I am grateful for that cultural expectation--it was a great help.
Wednesday
Nicole Marie Myer
Hmm. Sometimes I think you're intellectually on par with great philosophers and scientists of history and that makes you a little scary. I kind of feel like that scene from "Ever After" where the prince asks "How do you go through each day with this kind of passion? Don't you find it exhausting?" :) I will read your blog.
Wednesday at 16:47


Shawn Hammond
Interesting list, Brad, and I agree with a lot of them. Although some of them aren't "Mormon cultural expectations" as much as they are "societal cultural expectations." A small sampling of those would be #1, #2 (not specifically with FHE, but meetings in general), #4, #8 (procrastination isn't unique to Mormons) #17, #28, #30, #35, #39.

I agree... See more with Daniel that your decision not to feel obligated to conform to these expectations is totally fine, as long as you don't see it as "me vs. them". That seems to be flirting with dangerous ground. I can see that kind of thought process as building up unnecessary walls between you and other members that could prohibit you from fulfilling Mosiah 18:8-9. But you're totally correct in saying that you shouldn't feel obligated to conform to any of them.

I also would encourage you to not be different in some of them simply for the sake of being different. Your personality is awesomely unique enough that you don't need to be searching for areas where you can be different, just because. Some of your list I believe is inherently bad, but much of your list consists of simple quirks or traditions that, although not doctrinal in nature, also aren't necessarily bad, and being overly critical would prove counter-productive.
Thursday at 10:55

Brad Carmack 
‎@ Alicia, if I went with my parents (at least my Dad) we might be married right now


@ Maren- yes, moving help is a great expectation to cash in on


@Nicole - I have yet to see "Ever After" due to a well-nurtured predilection against chic flicks, but I think I see your point. Good luck on my blog, it's fairly dense and not always super-organized on account of being created after the image of my thoughts, which are also fairly dense and not always super-organized.

@Shawn- thank you for your thoughtful response!! I looked at all of the items in your sample and I think you're correct about each (i.e. they represent a cultural norm with broader application than within Mormondom) as well as your assertion that other items also fit that description. Good point on the unnecessary walls and not being different for different's sake- and the piece about some traditions/ideas not necessarily being bad (which I noted at the bottom of the original list). Also, being overly critical likely would have some counter-productive consequences.
20 hours ago ·  · 
Ricky Kesler
Ricky Kesler 
Brad, I agree. While I do a lot of the things on your list (took piano lessons, wait a few seconds after the prayer to leave, etc.) I don't do them because I believe they are some correct eternal principle, I do them because I choose to and do not look down on anyone else for not doing them.


I also wish we could be more honest about our lives and not feel ashamed if we're, like you said, depressed/lonely/hurting. It is counterproductive to put on a fake persona just to "fit in" and not be looked down on. I've had plenty of times when I wish someone would have known that I was hurting, but I felt like I had to pretend.

I also agree with number 6 whole heartedly and have for a long time. Now that I'm married, I agree even more. I plan to not be that way with my own family. 

You definitely have the right idea here. I guess I just want to point out that doing any of those things is not inherently wrong, but that those things should not be considered the right way to live.
7 hours ago ·  · 
Tara Larsen Chang
Tara Larsen Chang 
Brad, I went through a similar thought process a number of years ago, where I determined that I no longer wanted to be doing anything cultural merely because I felt I 'should'. After thinking through my own list of principles vs. practices and taking all the 'shoulds' out I realized that there were very few things I would actually choose to be doing differently, but now it did feel like it was a choice and not an obligation, which for me was completely transformative.
6 hours ago ·  · 
Alicia Yost
Alicia Yost 
Sweet!!! I'm in!!
about an hour ago via Email reply ·  · 
Brad Carmack
Brad Carmack 
‎@Tara- Wow Tara! I feel mucho similar. I don't think I'll change my conduct a whole lot, but coming at those habits from a position of conscious volition rather than tacit compliance or obligation brings a huge rush of liberating air into constricted lungs.
@ Alicia- :) I'll let my parents know they're back on the job
@Ricky- thanks for sharing your authentic response. I've got a hunch that a lot of LDS members feel similarly to you on #6, and I think most of us have had times similar to yours where we yearn to be open about being lonely/depressed/hurting. As I mentioned to Shawn and at the bottom of the original list, I'm with ya- doing many of the things on the list is not inherently wrong.
2 seconds ago ·  · 






A reader's email comments and my responses in blue:  
My daughter read me your 42 ‘cultural’ things that are not doctrinal.I agreed with almost all of them.  Let me just list a couple that I remember for which I am on the same page as you.  Good idea, thanks.
•        Speakers in church who suggest the audience should read a talk that the speaker quoted.  I NEVER do that when I speak. 
•        People should make their own difficult decisions and not wait for the Prophet to speak first.  This is not how you said it, but I think this was the essence of what you were saying.  Good point.
•        People should not say that homosexuality is a personal choice.  This is a debate that has been going on for decades.  However, the evidence seems to be that most people with homosexual feelings did not choose it. Elder Oaks said that the evidence states that some people are born with a disposition to lean in that direction.  My research also indicates that the predominance of evidence is in the direction that homosexual orientation is far and away more often unchosen than it is chosen.  However, I don't overmuch fault the folks that say homosexuality is a personal choice because 1) often times such folks are speaking of homosexual behavior rather than orientation, and the behavior part is a personal choice; 2) the predominance of the evidence has only become clear in the last couple decades - so someone who hasn't researched the literature lately or that learned from old-school sources would be understandably likely to erroneously conclude; and 3) the question isn't closed yet and will likely never be fully closed since evidence continues to come in- hence a conclusion of personal choice may ultimately be correct despite the current predominance of evidence. 
•        Everyone does not need to be a great student.  Even though I have the degrees, I am not a degree worshiper.  One of my children does not have a year of college, while two have their PhD’s.  I never give this a thought.  My ‘uneducated’ daughter is every bit as ‘smart’ as the other children.  She took a different path for her own reasons and that is just fine with me. Yours seems an appropriate stance. 

There a few your 42 where I disagreed.  I mention two.
•        I will shake hands at church.  I appreciate the feeling of fellowship that it gives.  However, I admit that my Eternal Status does not depend on ‘shaking hands.’  Sure.  There may be a misunderstanding if you think my list was of only deleterious norms- it was instead a compilation of unfortunate and fortunate expectations (I noted in the original list that I approve of some of the norms).  Thus, I don't think we disagree. 
•        I find the Christmas card tradition a good practice.  There are old friends for which this is the only time of the year that we touch base with each other.  And I am glad that we do.  Though again it is not necessary for exaltation. Good call.

I have believed many of these issues you mentioned for decades.  My way to handle this is just to ignore the culture and do what I think is right.  I respect that position.  I have not made any announcements that this is how I feel; but you are courageous in making your list public.

But my main purpose in writing is to mention two of your items where I strongly agree.  And these two are terribly important.  It's funny- you're not the first of the list's audience to highlight these two as standing out.  It seems they strike a cord with many.

•        People say “I am fine” when in fact that are feeling terrible.  This cultural habit is wrong and damaging.  Once decades ago, I was struggling with an issue.  I finally decided to call my Home Teacher over and tell him of my struggle.  After a detailed description of my issue, he made a few comments and we parted.  He never again acknowledged that the conversation occurred.  I had opened up my heart and he had ignored the substance of what I said.  Maybe this is why I like counseling.  I like it too- and I'm glad you feel that way about counseling.  I find people need to be listened to.  I think that need is abundant and ubiquitous.  Often we can help each other.  I cannot close this paragraph without stating I have had other home teachers who have been very receptive and helpful though I only opened up to one other as much as I did to that man discussed above.  The grassroots Christian response seems to be more the receptive/helpful HTer than the avoider HTer.
        I attended the LDS version of AA with … several times.  I thought the meetings where terrific; people talking about real problems. Yes, those types of authentic processes often prove change catalysts. I wished Priesthood meetings could be so moving.
       
•        “Sex before marriage is BAD, BAD.  Sex in marriage is wonderful.”  I believe this attitude is a real problem in our culture.  I read one couple who had an excellent way of teaching their young children that reproductive power was a wonderful gift.  But that couple is extremely rare. I think you're correct about the prevalence of the attitude you identify.   

So on this issue I am most curious as to what is your solution to this problem – solution in both how to teach the concepts and what actions single people like yourself should take.  Gosh, good question.  I'm not sure yet, sexual issues are pretty touchy and being off base is bad news.  I bet there're some thoughtful, faithful LDS folk out there that would have some tenable solutions to propose, though none come to mind right now.

I have included a document that I wrote a short while ago on this subject.  I have stored this essay in a section I labeled ‘Personal History Chapters that will not be published.’   After reading this again, I may put it in my published history. I couldn't access the doc because it was password protected.  I'd love to read it though. 

This short essay was a result of much prayerful pondering.  On the surface it seems to support the cultural attitude above that you and I do not like.  But it does not.  No matter how important and correct chastity is, we teach adherence to the principal very badly.  We need to find a way to do a better job as a culture.  I think you're right- but as I don't currently have a better alternative, I'm a little hesitant to criticize.

I hope you find my remarks helpful and supportive.  Let me know what you think.  I have always respected you and your wisdom. Well thanks!
 

Love,







Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Male Brain

I just finished reading Louann Brizendine's The Male Brain (2010)!  Though I include gleaned insights on other posts, I detail most of what I learned below.  Brizendine's The Female Brain is on my top five list of recommended reads- and this sibling volume maintained the reputation.

Caution: some of the content in this post is sexually explicit.  Also, most of my notes fall between generalizations and overgeneralizations, inclusive.


The Baby Brain

> Male infants are less interested than female infants in eye contact and watching faces.

> Male infants are more interested in moving objects than female infants, which is at least partly due (not surprisingly) to some genetic material on the Y chromosome. 

> Male infants have a year of "infantile pregnancy" where their brains are marinating in the same levels of testosterone they'll experience as adults.  From year 1 to 11 they have a "juvenile pause" where they're relieved of testosterone exposure.

> By seven months, baby boys can tell mommy is angry by her face.  By 12 months they've learned to ignore her expressions.  Their female counterparts heed warnings on their mothers' faces.  The same disparity applies to fathers' verbal warnings- the dads must verbally warn the boys twice as often as the girls.

> By 27 months, boys will go behind their parents' backs more often than girls to take risks, break rules, and grab off-limits objects.

> Little boy brains get a reward center hit from penis stimulation- and many little boys fail to resist playing and grabbing even when threatened.

>Boys reject girl toys, while girls will play with boys' toys.  Rhesus monkeys do about the same thing, as do girls exposed to high testosterone in the womb. 

> Boys spend 65% of free time in competitive games compared to 35% for girls.  Girls are 20 times as likely to take turns when playing.

> Preschool boys are six times as likely to turn a domestic object into equipment or a weapon than girls.

THE TEEN BRAIN
> 20 fold increase of testosterone from 9 to 15
> Young boys think and explain with body movements and gestures more than young girls
> Boys cause 90% of the distractions in the classroom, 70% of the D's and F's, and account for 80% of high school dropouts
> Testosterone resets the brain's clock cells in the suprachiasmatic nuculeus, causing him to go to sleep and wake up an hour later than his female counterparts
> Teen boy brains need more intense shocking or scary stimuli to activate than adults
> Vasopressin, which teen boys get slammed with along with testosterone, causes them to perceive neutral faces as hostile toward them
> Higher testosterone levels are correlated with angier faces, more aggressive behavior, impatience, irritability, talking less about people, talking more about objects and games, and a suppressed sensitivity to white noise.
> During puberty, boys' rostral cingulate zone, the brain's barometer for social approval, recalibrates to motivate "fitting in" behaviors and seeking approval of peers over parents.
> Teen brains get a pre-game high right before participating or watching sports, characterized by elevated levels of dopamine, testosterone, vasopressin, and cortisol.  Losing releases less testosterone than winning.
> By sixteen or seventeen, most boys desperately seek autonomy from their parents, usually accuse their parents of being behind the times, and seek separation/independence.
> Teen boys' risky behavior increases markedly in the presence of peers, with and without drugs or alcohol.  The combination of 1) his amygdala's two-fold stimulation when he's with his peers and 2) his inhibiting system's (prefrontal cortex) failure to develop until early twenties is thought responsible. 
> Teen boys begin to be repulsed not only by their mothers' proximity, but by her smell.
> From puberty to about 25, boys masturbate 1-3 times/day compared to less than one/day of girls

THE MATING BRAIN
> Male brains are selected for honing in on fertile females.  Hourglass figures (large breasts, small waist, flat stomach, full hips) say she's young, healthy, and not pregnant.
> Flirting behavior are conserved across cultures, and thus likely brain-based (I knew this already.  Thanks flirting symposium!).  Examples include reciprocating posture, proximity, smiles, head tilts, and slight raising of eyebrows.
> A girl's smell and high-pitched voice may make her more sexually attractive.  Low-pitch voice is less attractive, and the smell subconsciously communicates genetic dissimilarity, contributing to more attractiveness with greater dissimilarity.
> Smooching communicates info about genetic similarity as well.  Also, the bioactive testosterone in the man's saliva may activate the female brain's sexual arousal center.
> When sexually attracted, a man wants to have sex three times faster than a woman, who's more patient. (I know, hide the surprise) 
> Generally, a show of dominance and strength by a guy turns a girl on. 
> Promiscuity vs. monogamy in voles depends on which of two vasopressin receptor alleles he has.  Men also have this gene- and Swedish men with the "monogamy version" were twice as likely to leave bachelorhood behind and commit to one woman for life.
> Three out of four men are willing to lie or modify the truth to persuade women to have sex with them.  They exaggerate wealth, status, and social/business connections.
> The male brain on sex: the ventral tegmental area rapidly manufactures dopamine, which mixes with testosterone and vasopressin to form an addictive, high-octane fuel comparable to being high on cocaine.
> The autopilot lust center of the male brain directs them to notice and visually take in details of attractive females, even when the man's in love with another.
> Fear of loss or rejection can intensify feelings of love by igniting the amygdala's fear-of-rejection center and the hypothalamus's mating area.

The Brain Below the Belt

> Woman want on average 1-2 sexual partners/lifetime; men a whopping 14.
> It takes the male brain one-fifth of a second to classify a new woman as hot or not.  This appearance-based verdict is made even before conscious thought processes engage.
> Okay, careful, a few penis details: autopilot erections often happen without a single command from the brain- the unconscious signals come from his spinal cord and brain. The penis, testicles, brain, and spinal cord all harbor testosterone receptors. If testosterone is present, erotic thoughts or images are enough to signal an erection.
> Men are more sexually adventurous than women.
> Orgasm requires turning off the danger/alert center (amygdayla) and the worrying center (anterior cingulate cortex, or ACC).  This process is more difficult for women than for men. 
> Foreplay to men is the three minutes before orgasm, while for women it's the preceding 24 hours.
> After sex, oxytocin and dopamine make the girl want to cuddle and talk, while men more often want to sleep.

The Daddy Brain

> Distress after learning you're going to be a father usually peaks at about 5 weeks after discovering the fact.
> Men worldwide expereince a "sympathetic pregnancy," gain weight, and experience decrease in testosterone and increase in prolactin, especially in the three weeks preceding birth.  The dads can also hear and emotionally respond better to a crying baby than non-dads.  Hormone levels return to normal by the time the baby can walk.
> Skin to skin and eye contact with the baby causes both dad and mom to enter a romantic love phase with the child.  Also, within a seventh of a second, the parental-instinct area of the brain is activated.
> Men, like women, have a strong tending instict based in the insula, ACC, and amygdala.  Daily hands-on contact promotes synchrony, or parent-child understanding.
> Men interact more with the baby when mom's away or not watching.
> Moms are gatekeepers who determine how much baby time Dad gets, irrespective of Dad's belief about how involved he should be in child care.  Interestingly, moms who let Dad have more baby time are more likely to stay married. 
> Daddy's play is more physical, creative, unpredictable, and stimulating than Mom's.  Rougher dads produce more self-confident kids.
>  Dads like to tease their kids, and sons prefer it more than daughters.  Kids with teasing fathers can better detect deceit, and sons can better build close male connections later in life.
> Cross-culturally, dads feel duty bound to discipline their kids, especially their sons.  Generally, kids in these families get better grades and go farther in school, the sons have fewer behavior problems, and the daughters fewer emotional problems.
> Dads feel closest to their daughters and sons when helping them.
> Insecure dads won't let their sons beat them at any game even when the son is very young.
> High parental care correlates to less cortisol as a college-age adult.

Manhood: the Emotional Lives of Men

> I know you won't believe it, but the brain circuitry for emotional processing is different in men and women.  Both genders have a temporal-parietal junction system (TPJ) and a mirror-neuron system (MNS).  The TPJ separates "self" and "other" emotions and searches the brain for solutions. The MNS allows you to feel the emotion of another (emotional empathy).  Guess which genders use which disproportionately. :)
> Women look at faces more to get an MNS response, and men resort more quickly to fixing-it-fast.  When the male's face stops imitating the emotion of the woman (he's left the MNS), she feels he doesn't care - whereas the guy switched to TPJ and is trying to solve the problem.
> Men turn off or disguise their facial expressions to suppress showing their emotions.  Females, on the other hand, exaggerate an observed emotion in another. These realities are correlated to estrogen/oxytocin for women and testosterone/vasopressin for men. Switch the hormones and you switch the MNS/TPJ ratio.
> Men's anger suppression center, the septum, is smaller than in women.  Though women feel anger about as many minutes per day, men are 20 times as likely to get physically aggressive.
> Men and women remember facts equally well, but women remember details of emotional events better
and longer.  Recalling events brings the emotion back for women much more than men.
> Some men get a high from being mucho angry.
> Sometimes, anger can make people more rational.
> High testosterone men are more likely to react dramatically to being challenged, which reaction can be triggered by glares, accusation, or yelling.
> Angry men get noticed more by both men and women.
> Couples who argue have a better chance of staying together.
> Mens' tendency to violence is dialed down by a stable work heirarchy and a stable marriage.
> Mens' brains are wired to seek status and rank.
> People prefer to feel potentially useful emotions, even when unpleasant.  (e.g. anger)

The Mature Male Brain (no, that's not an oxymoron)

(Mature = andropause and beyond, circa 55 and up)
> As men age, testosterone and vasopressin levels drop and estrogen levels rise.  Their brains become more like the mature female brain, including enhanced capacity for reading subtle facial expression.
> Less testosterone means a greater impact from oxytocin, leading to more patience, tolerance, cuddling, and less jockeying for position.
> Lonely people die sooner than same-age non-lonely pairs, and can be as detrimental to your health as
smoking. 
> Loneliness for men leads to decreased social flexibility and engrained habits, the disturbing of which leads to annoyance.
> Married men outlive single men by 1.7 years.
> Andropause takes place for men between 50 and 65, and includes a one-half to two-thirds drop in testicle-produced testosterone compared to levels in their 20's. 
> Even into old age, men rank sex as the major benefit of marriage.
> Warm touching between partners, such as hand-holding and massage, improves relationship satisfaction, lower stress levels, higher oxytocin levels and, for men, lower blood pressure.
> Long-married couples are at risk for the woman criticizing the man, which prevents both from receiving the love and caring they crave.
> More mature brains are better at forgiving and forgetting.
> Grandfather brains care about supporting the success and survival of the next generation, though at first they accept responsibility for grandchildren only out of obligation.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Forgive One Another Your Trespasses

Matt. 6: 14-15
14 For if ye aforgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:    15 But if ye aforgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

This post answers the question, "Why must I forgive others their trespasses in order to secure God's forgiveness of my trespasses?"

One answer could be merely because God says so.  I don't know that this answer is wrong.  However, it may be wrong or, at the least, incomplete.  The answer I give involves the resolution of a fundamental tension in the mechanism underlying application of the atonement.  We are taught that Christ is "standing betwixt them and justice; having broken the bands of death, taken upon ahimself their iniquity and their transgressions, having redeemed them, and bsatisfied the demands of justice" and that " God himself aatoneth for the sins of the world, to bring about the plan of bmercy, to appease the demands of cjustice, that God might be a dperfect, just God, and a emerciful God also."  Thus it seems that Christ's suffering pays the price for our sins.  This principle is neither new nor earth shattering.

However, though these scriptures show how the price was paid, there remains another demand of justice.  Justice requires not only that the price be paid, but that it be paid by the transgressor
  11 Now there is not any man that can sacrifice his own blood which will atone for the sins of another. Now, if a man murdereth, behold will our law, which is ajust, take the life of his brother? I say unto you, Nay.

  12 But the law requireth the alife of him who hath bmurdered; therefore there can be nothing which is short of an infinite atonement which will suffice for the sins of the world.
Justice requires that those who generate costs or harms should pay for them.  Nemo punitur pro alieno delicto "no one is punished for the crime of another."  Thus, though Christ paid the price, He did not the transgression, and thus justice is not yet fully satisfied.  Justice requires that the sinner pay for his own sins.  Even a willing scapegoat does not fully satisfy justice.  What then is the mechanism that enables the miracle of the Atonement?

I have seen two candidate work-arounds that purport to resolve this tension.  Though neither may prove the case, both are related to the requirement that the atonement be infinite: "not a bsacrifice of man, neither of beast, neither of any manner of fowl; for it shall not be a human sacrifice; but it must be an cinfinite and deternal esacrifice."

1) At-one-ment is the first work-around.  The idea that you and Christ become one, such that the punishment justice requires that you experience can go to Christ since the two of you are now one.  Much as it's just to flog a thief's back for the crimes of his hand, because the thief is a single entity- so becoming one with Christ allows Him to be wounded for our transgressions, thus fully satisfying justice.  The sacrifice must be infinite because either A) were there any end to the two of you being one, justice would still require a narrowly tailored punishment to the more culpable member, or B) only an infinite sacrifice could bind a mortal and an immortal such as you and Christ.

2) The second work around is the idea of basically getting all of creation to "look the other way."  First, let's look at the relevant stakeholders when you sin. Who is harmed, and who can forgive those harms?  God, ourselves, the earth, and each other come to mind as harmed entities.  Also, every intelligence which has a sense of justice will have that sense offended if the sinner is not justly punished.  Let's take each stakeholder class in turn.

-God: He can forgive of his own volition the harm against Him.  It seems He usually does so.

-Ourselves/each other: We, like God, can forgive or refrain from forgiving, harms against ourselves.  This includes self-inflicted and externally-inflicted harms. More on this category below.

- Earth: I'll lump the earth in with all non-sinning, justice-capable intelligences, which I now address.  Presume every creation of God has intelligence.  Those creations which have a sense of justice, which sense of justice would be offended if God did not punish sinners for their sins, must also have a sense of mercy (why these senses must be paired I have yet to establish- for the moment presume if a creation has the one, it also has the other).  Well then, perhaps God persuades all these intelligences to fire their mercy neurons (remember, justice and mercy are here depicted as senses) to the exclusion or at least overpowering of their justice neurons.  Perhaps their compassion at viewing the immeasurably torturous atonement (presuming they have a compassion sense, which isn't asking much presuming the senses of justice and mercy already) moves them to refrain from demanding justice.  Only a being as great as Christ suffering to the extent He did would be sufficient to cause all of these innocent intelligences to be so moved (hence the requirement of infinite sacrifice).  Under this work-around, the requirement of forgiveness makes the most sense.  You must forgive others their trespasses against you, like these intelligences voluntarily "forgave" an offended sense of justice and, because of God's sacrifice, embraced mercy, allowing you to forever escape punishment.  By a similar principle you must be willing to forgive for the Atonement to work in your case.

But what if you refuse to forgive another's trespasses, but instead insist that justice extract the uttermost farthing from him or her?  Ironically, it is you that is punished for the greater sin: "34 And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.

  35 So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts aforgive not every one his brother their trespasses."  
I'm not sure how the second work-around accounts for that comeuppance. Sorry to leave you with an unanswered question.

In conclusion, there may be a deeper, Atonement-rooted explanation for the requirement that we must forgive in order to be forgiven.  That explanation might be found in the second work-around I've articulated here, though it might not derive from either work-around.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Surrender and Developing Disposition

On my way down to Phoenix, I listed to Robert Millet's book on CD, Grace Works.  I wish I had the book so I could look up some quotes.  What struck me were two things:

1) that to successfully put on the character of Christ, I need to yield and submit and surrender.  In our culture a male surrendering is usually not considered admirable- rather, independent master of a difficult skill or directing his own destiny is more approved.  However, I must "yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit," surrender to Christ, submit to His laws, receive His atonement, and give my burdens to Him.  None of these actions denote mastery or control, but rather its relinquishment. 

2) It is by submitting and yielding that I can have my nature changed so that I have "no more disposition to do evil."  I often focus overmuch on the behavioral aspect of gospel living- and while I believe it is better to perform in compliance with God's command with an unwilling or resentful or apathetic heart than it is to breach those same commandments in violation of one's commitment to keep them, I also believe it is superior to want to keep them as well, and to obey out of that desire/disposition.  The sticky part is that I don't control my disposition with the completeness and immediacy as I do my behavior.  I can alter my conduct 180 degrees nearly instantly- my disposition/nature is not so malleable.  (sidenote: intermediate in malleability between conduct and disposition is habit).  Thus, to change my nature requires other, or at least more, than my executive control.  It likely requires patience, since the altering process is not as instant as behavioral change.  It also requires submission (picture offering my heart below at here's my heart) to God, who by some means can reach in and change my nature. 

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

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